That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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