I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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