Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
