Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
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My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
NoShamevember. You game?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
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Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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