when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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