My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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