i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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