my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize