Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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