dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
