i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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