hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Quick, to the slutcave!
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
