My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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