I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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