Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
