Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
