when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
