i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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