i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize