I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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