Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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