dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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