do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
