i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
two words: eviction party
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila