before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
