11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
