so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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