Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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