i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
