also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
