watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
