I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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