the new term for farting is butt boxing.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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