Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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