Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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