tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
