Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
