I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
