2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
