Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
