Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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