My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
