This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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