does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
