i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
