he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Randomize
