Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
