They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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