Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
