I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
