I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
