It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
