My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
