I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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