Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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