I can tuck mytits in my pants
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
