Plan B is the new Plan A
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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