why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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