Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
