Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
