I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
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