I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
